News Stories We May Never See

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With apologies to the brave souls at the Onion, I believe they overlooked these stories from the IP Wire Service*.

Miracle Cure Discovered

Scientists announced today that they discovered a cure for virtually every known disease affecting human beings. Made from potato peels and seawater, the drug will cost less than a penny a dose and will not require a prescription. It is said to have no side effects. Dr. Lee Roy Snert, project leader, said today that "the cure needs no further study and should be on store shelves by tomorrow.. "

In an unrelated story, stock prices for the major pharmaceutical and medical equipment companies joined health insurance companies in a plunge to zero, starting a global medical and financial panic. For the first time in more than 70 years, witnesses saw Wall Street executives plunging from their office windows like lemmings.



Paleontologists Find Missing Link

A group of government-funded paleontologists announced they have discovered an ancient bone fragment containing human DNA. The fragment is over ten million years old. “This just about wraps up our research. The DNA in this bone proves that human beings have been on earth a long time, even longer than monkeys and apes.”

When this reporter asked if the arrival of humans before the so-called lower life forms might indicate evolution is headed back toward the jungle, the representative turned ashen and hurried back to his lab, locking the door behind him.



Physicists Identify Rarest Particle

Physicists working at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland announced the discovery of the ultimate sub-atomic particle today. “This particle is so rare, it makes the Higgs Boson look as common as beach sand,” said one scientist. During the hastily called press conference, a young scientist in a white lab coat pointed out the image of the particle, which was one among hundreds on the screen displaying test results. As he aimed his laser pointer at the new discovery, a draft in the room lifted the speck from the screen and it drifted like a snowflake onto the floor. It seems the “new particle” was a grain of sugar from a carelessly placed donut in the lab. As the conference ended, scientists were engaged in a heated debate about who could be responsible for such a blunder. A subsequent inspection of the scientists’ fingers revealed donut sugar particles contaminated fully half the staff’s fingers. No further conferences are scheduled.



Prophet Says “Everything Will Be Alright”

Today, a world-renowned prophet with a successful record of future predictions shocked the world press with his latest forecast for humanity. Mr. Irving C. Fingers of the Global Prophets' Association announced he has seen the future “as clearly as if it were yesterday.”

“I can tell you with absolute certainty that the human race has nothing at all to worry about,” he began. “Almost everything is going to work out better than anyone suspects and the few events that won’t are barely noticeable.”

Upon hearing the announcement, millions of people poured into the streets around the world in a celebration of joy, fellowship and forgiveness.

On another topic, it was during the ecstatic celebration that astronomers working at Kit Peak in Hawaii noticed a 100-mile wide ball of nickel and iron emerging from behind the moon. The scientists are quoted as saying “We will know if Mr. Fingers is correct, or not, in about eight hours.”

It a related story, the space rock appears covered in a layer of disease germs that are immune to the recently announced miracle cure. 

Film at eleven.


* IP = Imaginary Press.

It should not be too hard to top these.  If you want to send along your own imaginary news items, I'll publish as many as I can.  You'll get credit, or blame, as appropriate. (Not too long, pornographic or believable, please.)  Also, if you would like to be added to my notification list when new publications are available, let me know at:  hank.burden@Gmail.com

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