...
On Sunday last, I joined my daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren for a carefree week of togetherness known as a family vacation. They showed up at my place bright and early. After a little stumbling around, I threw my suitcase and computer bag into the back of the Chevy Suburban. I took my duffel bag of goodies with me and climbed into the back seat. Thus began an adventure that lasted until I fell into my own bed last night.
My grandchildren, aged 5 and 3, sat lashed securely into their federally approved sarcophagi in the third row.
“Good morning, grandchildren!” I exclaimed.
“Waaah!” They answered.
“Is there something wrong with the children?” I asked my daughter.
“No, they’re just a little grumpy from getting up so early.” She reassured me.
The next thing I knew, we were streaking along the highway, headed for the Mecca of family vacation spots, Branson, Missouri. (I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see Branson, but I was on my way.) I managed to occupy myself by retrieving toys and crackers from the floor in the back seat. Every few minutes, one small voice or another called, “Gwandfadder, I dwopped my dowy on the fwoor.”
I unbuckled, turned around and hung over the backseat at the waist to reach the lost treasure. Naturally, blood rushed to my head giving ‘gwandfadder’ the comical appearance of a stroke victim. We kept this up until we reached McAlister, OK around eleven am. McAlister is home to the original “Big Mac,” as the locals know the state prison.
While we were there, we found “Angel’s Restaurant.” Everyone was hungry, so we stopped for a late breakfast. Angel’s is a unique place. Decorated entirely in pink, it sported memorabilia from the 50s and 60s on every wall. “The King” and Marilyn Monroe were the most popular subjects. Our waitress showed us to the back room where a large round table awaited us. Once seated, we ordered food and settled down to await the arrival of our breakfasts. It was during this brief period the children made a terrible discovery. The round table was loose. With a tiny shove, it spun like a lazy Susan. The children thought this was hilarious fun.
In the fullness of time, our breakfasts arrived. I dug into an omelet and the children enjoyed happy face pancakes. Well, mostly. Occasionally, I would take a stab at my plate only to retrieve pancake that had arrived a second before. My son-in-law found himself staring at my omelet instead of his breakfast more than once. Plead as we might, we could not convince the babies this was not fun. You cannot fool children, y’know.
So, each adult used one hand to grip the table and the other to shovel breakfast into their mouths while the little ones, bless them, strained and shoved on the funhouse table.
Eventually, we got enough food on target to sustain us and we left Angel’s, possibly forever.
Next, we would plunge into the Ozark Mountains. I will share that episode as soon as my strength returns. Right now, I think a little lie-down is in order.
...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Grandmas
...
My friend Ray in Hoboken sent this. Given the recent episodes of grandparent v. grandchildren, I think this little story is a good fit. Maybe even a laughing fit.
...
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my Grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh....I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".
"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.
...
My friend Ray in Hoboken sent this. Given the recent episodes of grandparent v. grandchildren, I think this little story is a good fit. Maybe even a laughing fit.
...
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my Grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh....I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".
"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.
...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Summer Fun
…
Life has been peaceful in recent weeks. Most of this tranquility is weather induced. With daytime highs in the upper 90s and overnight lows around 80, moving about for any reason is undesirable. Nevertheless, I have some adventures to report.
First, if I do not act up on a regular basis, I get cranky. So, I decided to grow some facial hair. I consider this sort of activity mildly rebellious. It also requires a level of physical activity suitable for the season. My son-in-law detected my new look several weeks ago.
“Ah, yes. You are going for that J.B. Books look.” He offered.
“Uh, yes, I suppose I am.” I instantly recalled John Wayne’s character in his last film, The Shootist. J.B. was an aging gunfighter dying of cancer in a small town. Naturally, there were baddies in town who wanted to make their reputation by picking-off old J.B. It was a good western.
I was flattered that my son-in-law thought I might achieve the classic western gravitas of “The Duke.” Each morning, I carefully groomed and trimmed the Bonsai on my lip. After a couple weeks, I peered into the mirror. I even squinted a little bit and drawled “Pilgrim” in my best John Wayne voice. I began to resemble a famous person all right.
After an objective look, I think I am a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders. Darn.
Until next time, stay cool!
…
Life has been peaceful in recent weeks. Most of this tranquility is weather induced. With daytime highs in the upper 90s and overnight lows around 80, moving about for any reason is undesirable. Nevertheless, I have some adventures to report.
First, if I do not act up on a regular basis, I get cranky. So, I decided to grow some facial hair. I consider this sort of activity mildly rebellious. It also requires a level of physical activity suitable for the season. My son-in-law detected my new look several weeks ago.
“Ah, yes. You are going for that J.B. Books look.” He offered.
“Uh, yes, I suppose I am.” I instantly recalled John Wayne’s character in his last film, The Shootist. J.B. was an aging gunfighter dying of cancer in a small town. Naturally, there were baddies in town who wanted to make their reputation by picking-off old J.B. It was a good western.
I was flattered that my son-in-law thought I might achieve the classic western gravitas of “The Duke.” Each morning, I carefully groomed and trimmed the Bonsai on my lip. After a couple weeks, I peered into the mirror. I even squinted a little bit and drawled “Pilgrim” in my best John Wayne voice. I began to resemble a famous person all right.
After an objective look, I think I am a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders. Darn.
Well, I did my best. In truth, I am fonder of the Colonel’s chicken than gun fighting. I guess either one could end a life prematurely, eh? I suppose I would rather go out with a “burp” than a “bang.”
Here are some announcements:
I visited “the ranch” with my son and grandson, Augie last week. It was hot and the grass was deep. While there, I caught this charming scene of a dad teaching his son the finer points of peeing on a bush without ruining his socks and shoes or finding a snake. My son is a great Dad.
I will be on vacation next week. I am going on a road trip hosted by my daughter, son-in-law and two charming grandchildren. I am almost certain to find a cornucopia of new stories during this adventure. I shall let you know when I return.
Finally, I will show some of my photographs at the Bosque County Fine Arts Center in Clifton, Texas. The show runs from October 2 through November 13. You might want to make travel plans early to avoid disappointment!
Until next time, stay cool!
…
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Nun Grading Papers
This came from Zita, a classmate of mine at St. Cecilia's Catholic School. This would be a lot funnier if I didn't recognize many of these answers from my own catechism tests.
Enjoy!
...
IMAGINE A NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY, THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
...
Enjoy!
...
IMAGINE A NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY, THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Cousins
...
Recently, I attended the “Second Annual First Cousins Reunion” in bucolic Midlothian, Texas. You may recall the first such gathering occurred last October. At that gathering, my cousin Kathy organized a video recording of all the cousins in attendance. We answered questions ranging from “What was your pet name for your grandmother?” to “How would you describe your childhood?” In my opinion, they were all trick questions.
At the second affair, I learned I have 26 first cousins. I have no idea if that is correct. I have always settled for “a boat load” as close enough. Many of them showed up for this event, too. There were no children present. Our host, my cousin Carla, was concerned we might be offended if she came right out and said, “Got kids? Leave em at home!” Taking my crew anywhere is about as much work as, say, launching a nuclear aircraft carrier. Accordingly, I am hard to offend in this area. I saw no grief-stricken cousins, either.
So, we gathered at the appointed hour. Each of us brought something good to eat while Carla furnished drinks and delicious meat dishes. It was truly a feast to remember. It was particularly nice that so many thought to bring dessert. There must have been at least six choices and I tried as many as I could fit on a plate.
After the meal, I discovered cousin Kathy planned to preview the video. She said the original was over five hours long and by carefully editing out the most horrid scenes, she could almost get it on one DVD. I felt a mixture of dread and relief. My stomach knotted up as I recalled my performance last October. I recalled thinking, “Help! I’ve started talking and I can’t shut up!” as the video camera stared at me. The good news was there was a chance my segment was on the cutting room floor.
I had no such luck. When I suggested that my speech was expendable, Kathy was unsympathetic.
Everyone gathered in front of the drive-in sized TV. Then, the video began to roll. I believe they ordered us by age, possibly because the senior cousins might not survive until the end of the reel. I was distressed to find myself close to the front of the line. My cousins Becky and Buddy did great. They seemed so at ease and wise. Gayle charmed everyone with stories about her mother, my aunt Geraldine. Time seemed to speed up as my turn neared. I resolved not to throw-up or do anything disgusting and took my turn in the “hot seat.”
Now, I watched myself babble about my misspent youth with a sense of relief. Sure, I was funny looking. Okay, I seemed a little hoarse too, but I was busy shooting the bull that morning. The one seriously bad moment came when a smarty-pants cousin asked if I recalled any wisdom or sayings my parents, particularly my father, used when I was growing up. At that moment, my brain melted.
“Whatever could you be talking about?” I heard myself saying.
I watched in horror as my video persona skipped over one of the most colorful parts of my, or anybody’s, childhood. I think I had a moment of panic. After all, none of the others used THAT kind of language during their interview.
I shall correct a little bit of that dreadful omission. Here are a few of my dad's favorite expressions.
• “Oh, horse poop!” My dad never said, “Poop” in his life. This expression covered a broad range of surprising or disappointing situations.
• “Colder’n a well digger’s bottom in the Yukon!” My dad never said “Bottom” in his life. This one meant it was cold.
• “It’s Bottom deep to a tall Indian!” (See above for info on “Bottom.) It meant it was deep, like snow or water.
• “You couldn’t pour pee from a boot with the directions written on the heel!” He never said “Pee” either. This meant you did not follow his exact instructions, usually with a poor result.
• “%^&*() )(^%^@*^%$!” This one covered miscellaneous events such as totaling his pickup truck or breaking his new folding rule for the twelfth time in a row. It is sort of a catchall.
Well, I hope this in some small way atones for my momentary lapse last year. If anyone knows of a good one I missed, send it.
I fear we shall not see his like again.
...
Recently, I attended the “Second Annual First Cousins Reunion” in bucolic Midlothian, Texas. You may recall the first such gathering occurred last October. At that gathering, my cousin Kathy organized a video recording of all the cousins in attendance. We answered questions ranging from “What was your pet name for your grandmother?” to “How would you describe your childhood?” In my opinion, they were all trick questions.
At the second affair, I learned I have 26 first cousins. I have no idea if that is correct. I have always settled for “a boat load” as close enough. Many of them showed up for this event, too. There were no children present. Our host, my cousin Carla, was concerned we might be offended if she came right out and said, “Got kids? Leave em at home!” Taking my crew anywhere is about as much work as, say, launching a nuclear aircraft carrier. Accordingly, I am hard to offend in this area. I saw no grief-stricken cousins, either.
So, we gathered at the appointed hour. Each of us brought something good to eat while Carla furnished drinks and delicious meat dishes. It was truly a feast to remember. It was particularly nice that so many thought to bring dessert. There must have been at least six choices and I tried as many as I could fit on a plate.
After the meal, I discovered cousin Kathy planned to preview the video. She said the original was over five hours long and by carefully editing out the most horrid scenes, she could almost get it on one DVD. I felt a mixture of dread and relief. My stomach knotted up as I recalled my performance last October. I recalled thinking, “Help! I’ve started talking and I can’t shut up!” as the video camera stared at me. The good news was there was a chance my segment was on the cutting room floor.
I had no such luck. When I suggested that my speech was expendable, Kathy was unsympathetic.
Everyone gathered in front of the drive-in sized TV. Then, the video began to roll. I believe they ordered us by age, possibly because the senior cousins might not survive until the end of the reel. I was distressed to find myself close to the front of the line. My cousins Becky and Buddy did great. They seemed so at ease and wise. Gayle charmed everyone with stories about her mother, my aunt Geraldine. Time seemed to speed up as my turn neared. I resolved not to throw-up or do anything disgusting and took my turn in the “hot seat.”
Now, I watched myself babble about my misspent youth with a sense of relief. Sure, I was funny looking. Okay, I seemed a little hoarse too, but I was busy shooting the bull that morning. The one seriously bad moment came when a smarty-pants cousin asked if I recalled any wisdom or sayings my parents, particularly my father, used when I was growing up. At that moment, my brain melted.
“Whatever could you be talking about?” I heard myself saying.
I watched in horror as my video persona skipped over one of the most colorful parts of my, or anybody’s, childhood. I think I had a moment of panic. After all, none of the others used THAT kind of language during their interview.
I shall correct a little bit of that dreadful omission. Here are a few of my dad's favorite expressions.
• “Oh, horse poop!” My dad never said, “Poop” in his life. This expression covered a broad range of surprising or disappointing situations.
• “Colder’n a well digger’s bottom in the Yukon!” My dad never said “Bottom” in his life. This one meant it was cold.
• “It’s Bottom deep to a tall Indian!” (See above for info on “Bottom.) It meant it was deep, like snow or water.
• “You couldn’t pour pee from a boot with the directions written on the heel!” He never said “Pee” either. This meant you did not follow his exact instructions, usually with a poor result.
• “%^&*() )(^%^@*^%$!” This one covered miscellaneous events such as totaling his pickup truck or breaking his new folding rule for the twelfth time in a row. It is sort of a catchall.
Well, I hope this in some small way atones for my momentary lapse last year. If anyone knows of a good one I missed, send it.
I fear we shall not see his like again.
...
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