…
As I type, the skies are dark gray and winds howl around the doors and windows. There is a creek behind the place, about 120 feet west and 15 feet below my property level. Normally a trickle, today, I can hear water rushing to the sea from the comfort of my den. Pretty cool, eh? It is a perfect day for a murder, or possibly telling a story.
My recent life is an adventure rich environment. Here is an example.
Over a month ago, I noticed my electric lights flickered from time to time. I thought little of it. The temperature outdoors was hovering around 105, so I guessed the local utility was having trouble meeting the demand. As days passed, the flickering became more frequent. Then, I noticed the problem persisted into the relatively cool evening, too. So much for my supply and demand theory.
It is only fair to mention I learned everything I know about electricity from Mr. Wizard on TV, back in the 50s. Still, I took it as a personal challenge to diagnose and repair the problem. Day after day, I studied the pattern of flickers’ time and duration. I suspected one or more of my antique appliances were having an internal meltdown and I was determined to discover which one(s) it might be. I exempted the dishwasher, clothes washer and refrigerator, which I replaced in rapid succession last winter.
As days turned into weeks, I began living more and more of my life in the dark. Through scientific experimentation, I eliminated each appliance, one by one. (Buzz, Pop! Arrgh!) I narrowed the possibilities to two. First, there might be a problem with the service coming to the house. The man from the utility checked the current at my meter and said “Nope. It ain’t us.”
The other possibility was too awful to contemplate. Years ago, I searched the internet for “antique, possibly dangerous, circuit breakers no longer in production” to find replacements for some failed breakers. Lucky for me, there was a museum of electrical switches and breakers only thirty miles away. I drove over there and asked for the size and model breakers I needed. The person behind the counter began laughing uncontrollably.
“Did I say something funny?” I asked.
“Wheeze! Hey, Albert, come see this!” The man gasped.
Albert thought I was hilarious, too. Then, I got the bill. I might have teared up a bit, but I paid their price a sulked all the way home.
Now, I relived the anguish of that long ago experience as I realized the trouble was probably inside the breaker panel.
“Aw, shit.”
No matter. I was determined to fix this. Then, the air conditioning stopped. In an instant, the problem moved from an academic exercise to a matter of life and death. I am a grown man, experienced in the ways of the world, so I knew exactly what to do.
“Hello, Marriott?” I said into the phone.
Next time, I will tell you the rest.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hiatus
Hey!
I am happy you stopped by. I am currently on hiatus (taking time off) to deal with some local issues. I look forward to writing again as soon as they are resloved.
Hank
I am happy you stopped by. I am currently on hiatus (taking time off) to deal with some local issues. I look forward to writing again as soon as they are resloved.
Hank
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Ozarks
...
After breakfast, everyone piled into the car and we resumed our trek toward Branson. The grandchildren were disappointed to leave the spinning breakfast table so soon. They expressed their disappointment by screaming, crying and fighting among themselves. Mom and Dad knew exactly what to do in such a crisis.
My daughter slid a CD into the player and my son-in-law turned it up. Way up. I could hear every nuance of Johnny Cash’s aged-in-the-cask voice, but I could also still hear the children, barely. For my part, this was not a tranquility inducing experience.
Eventually, there was a break in the music and I knew I had to act fast.
I spun around in my seat and faced my granddaughter, looking directly into her innocent eyes. “You are getting drowsy,” I said in my best “The Count” voice. I repeated the phrase several times, adding some finger waving for effect. It had little effect. I took a slightly different tact. “You are feeling happy…” I increased the finger action. Sure enough, she began to smile. In a couple of minutes, she forgot the pique leftover from breakfast.
Next, I turned my power over the minds of children to my grandson.
“Do me, do me!” He pleaded.
Okay, but you must promise to be good or I won’t do it.
“Okay, gwandfadder.”
I ran the hypnotism routine on him. Five minutes later, I was enjoying the company of two contented grandchildren. It felt good to know I had not lost my touch.
Next, I leaned forward into the front seat.
“You are sick of listening to loud music…“ I began.
Everything went swimmingly for the rest of the trip. Well, it went swimmingly until we hopped off the interstate in Arkansas and turned north on a tiny state highway. My son-in-law was tour guide for the children.
“We’re going to go through the Ozark Mountains,” he said cheerily. “We’ll see beautiful scenery and forests along the way, so keep a sharp lookout.”
“Dark, scary forests,” I added for effect.
“We’re scared,” said the chorus in the rear seat!
“Damn. I wish I hadn’t said that.” I thought silently.
It was then my daughter turned and gave me a stern look.
“Do you recall the little talk we had just a few days before we left?” She asked.
“Uh, no I don’t seem to have that recollection. Can you give me the gist of it?”
“The topic was you were going to straighten up.”
“Oh. Well, I’ll do my best, really.”
With that, I received a scary mommy scowl and life returned to normal, at least for now.
We cruised through some of the most beautiful scenery in America. Quaint villages, small farms, mountain streams and meadows appeared around every turn. Through gaps in the dense forest, we saw magnificent vistas as row after row of mountains stood tall all the way to the horizon. I made a mental note to revisit this country on my motorcycle in the near future. It was two-wheel paradise.
Then, everything changed. The tiny highway dissolved into a fork of two dirt roads. After a short break for indecision, we took the left fork and motored on. I recall humming the theme from Deliverance. I only got through a few bars before I received another “straighten up” scowl from the front seat.
We drove for hours. The quaint villages gave way to little clusters of haunted looking buildings. The forest squeezed ever tighter and the road narrowed to barely one lane. The farms disappeared and ramshackle shacks and trailers took their place. We passed a group of young girls playing barefoot in the road. They strolled out of our way, seemingly fascinated by seeing the giant SUV on their tiny road. I think their dog actually laughed at us as we rattled by.
Next time, we will arrive - somewhere.
...
After breakfast, everyone piled into the car and we resumed our trek toward Branson. The grandchildren were disappointed to leave the spinning breakfast table so soon. They expressed their disappointment by screaming, crying and fighting among themselves. Mom and Dad knew exactly what to do in such a crisis.
My daughter slid a CD into the player and my son-in-law turned it up. Way up. I could hear every nuance of Johnny Cash’s aged-in-the-cask voice, but I could also still hear the children, barely. For my part, this was not a tranquility inducing experience.
Eventually, there was a break in the music and I knew I had to act fast.
I spun around in my seat and faced my granddaughter, looking directly into her innocent eyes. “You are getting drowsy,” I said in my best “The Count” voice. I repeated the phrase several times, adding some finger waving for effect. It had little effect. I took a slightly different tact. “You are feeling happy…” I increased the finger action. Sure enough, she began to smile. In a couple of minutes, she forgot the pique leftover from breakfast.
Next, I turned my power over the minds of children to my grandson.
“Do me, do me!” He pleaded.
Okay, but you must promise to be good or I won’t do it.
“Okay, gwandfadder.”
I ran the hypnotism routine on him. Five minutes later, I was enjoying the company of two contented grandchildren. It felt good to know I had not lost my touch.
Next, I leaned forward into the front seat.
“You are sick of listening to loud music…“ I began.
Everything went swimmingly for the rest of the trip. Well, it went swimmingly until we hopped off the interstate in Arkansas and turned north on a tiny state highway. My son-in-law was tour guide for the children.
“We’re going to go through the Ozark Mountains,” he said cheerily. “We’ll see beautiful scenery and forests along the way, so keep a sharp lookout.”
“Dark, scary forests,” I added for effect.
“We’re scared,” said the chorus in the rear seat!
“Damn. I wish I hadn’t said that.” I thought silently.
It was then my daughter turned and gave me a stern look.
“Do you recall the little talk we had just a few days before we left?” She asked.
“Uh, no I don’t seem to have that recollection. Can you give me the gist of it?”
“The topic was you were going to straighten up.”
“Oh. Well, I’ll do my best, really.”
With that, I received a scary mommy scowl and life returned to normal, at least for now.
We cruised through some of the most beautiful scenery in America. Quaint villages, small farms, mountain streams and meadows appeared around every turn. Through gaps in the dense forest, we saw magnificent vistas as row after row of mountains stood tall all the way to the horizon. I made a mental note to revisit this country on my motorcycle in the near future. It was two-wheel paradise.
Then, everything changed. The tiny highway dissolved into a fork of two dirt roads. After a short break for indecision, we took the left fork and motored on. I recall humming the theme from Deliverance. I only got through a few bars before I received another “straighten up” scowl from the front seat.
We drove for hours. The quaint villages gave way to little clusters of haunted looking buildings. The forest squeezed ever tighter and the road narrowed to barely one lane. The farms disappeared and ramshackle shacks and trailers took their place. We passed a group of young girls playing barefoot in the road. They strolled out of our way, seemingly fascinated by seeing the giant SUV on their tiny road. I think their dog actually laughed at us as we rattled by.
Next time, we will arrive - somewhere.
...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
The Vacation
...
On Sunday last, I joined my daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren for a carefree week of togetherness known as a family vacation. They showed up at my place bright and early. After a little stumbling around, I threw my suitcase and computer bag into the back of the Chevy Suburban. I took my duffel bag of goodies with me and climbed into the back seat. Thus began an adventure that lasted until I fell into my own bed last night.
My grandchildren, aged 5 and 3, sat lashed securely into their federally approved sarcophagi in the third row.
“Good morning, grandchildren!” I exclaimed.
“Waaah!” They answered.
“Is there something wrong with the children?” I asked my daughter.
“No, they’re just a little grumpy from getting up so early.” She reassured me.
The next thing I knew, we were streaking along the highway, headed for the Mecca of family vacation spots, Branson, Missouri. (I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see Branson, but I was on my way.) I managed to occupy myself by retrieving toys and crackers from the floor in the back seat. Every few minutes, one small voice or another called, “Gwandfadder, I dwopped my dowy on the fwoor.”
I unbuckled, turned around and hung over the backseat at the waist to reach the lost treasure. Naturally, blood rushed to my head giving ‘gwandfadder’ the comical appearance of a stroke victim. We kept this up until we reached McAlister, OK around eleven am. McAlister is home to the original “Big Mac,” as the locals know the state prison.
While we were there, we found “Angel’s Restaurant.” Everyone was hungry, so we stopped for a late breakfast. Angel’s is a unique place. Decorated entirely in pink, it sported memorabilia from the 50s and 60s on every wall. “The King” and Marilyn Monroe were the most popular subjects. Our waitress showed us to the back room where a large round table awaited us. Once seated, we ordered food and settled down to await the arrival of our breakfasts. It was during this brief period the children made a terrible discovery. The round table was loose. With a tiny shove, it spun like a lazy Susan. The children thought this was hilarious fun.
In the fullness of time, our breakfasts arrived. I dug into an omelet and the children enjoyed happy face pancakes. Well, mostly. Occasionally, I would take a stab at my plate only to retrieve pancake that had arrived a second before. My son-in-law found himself staring at my omelet instead of his breakfast more than once. Plead as we might, we could not convince the babies this was not fun. You cannot fool children, y’know.
So, each adult used one hand to grip the table and the other to shovel breakfast into their mouths while the little ones, bless them, strained and shoved on the funhouse table.
Eventually, we got enough food on target to sustain us and we left Angel’s, possibly forever.
Next, we would plunge into the Ozark Mountains. I will share that episode as soon as my strength returns. Right now, I think a little lie-down is in order.
...
On Sunday last, I joined my daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren for a carefree week of togetherness known as a family vacation. They showed up at my place bright and early. After a little stumbling around, I threw my suitcase and computer bag into the back of the Chevy Suburban. I took my duffel bag of goodies with me and climbed into the back seat. Thus began an adventure that lasted until I fell into my own bed last night.
My grandchildren, aged 5 and 3, sat lashed securely into their federally approved sarcophagi in the third row.
“Good morning, grandchildren!” I exclaimed.
“Waaah!” They answered.
“Is there something wrong with the children?” I asked my daughter.
“No, they’re just a little grumpy from getting up so early.” She reassured me.
The next thing I knew, we were streaking along the highway, headed for the Mecca of family vacation spots, Branson, Missouri. (I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see Branson, but I was on my way.) I managed to occupy myself by retrieving toys and crackers from the floor in the back seat. Every few minutes, one small voice or another called, “Gwandfadder, I dwopped my dowy on the fwoor.”
I unbuckled, turned around and hung over the backseat at the waist to reach the lost treasure. Naturally, blood rushed to my head giving ‘gwandfadder’ the comical appearance of a stroke victim. We kept this up until we reached McAlister, OK around eleven am. McAlister is home to the original “Big Mac,” as the locals know the state prison.
While we were there, we found “Angel’s Restaurant.” Everyone was hungry, so we stopped for a late breakfast. Angel’s is a unique place. Decorated entirely in pink, it sported memorabilia from the 50s and 60s on every wall. “The King” and Marilyn Monroe were the most popular subjects. Our waitress showed us to the back room where a large round table awaited us. Once seated, we ordered food and settled down to await the arrival of our breakfasts. It was during this brief period the children made a terrible discovery. The round table was loose. With a tiny shove, it spun like a lazy Susan. The children thought this was hilarious fun.
In the fullness of time, our breakfasts arrived. I dug into an omelet and the children enjoyed happy face pancakes. Well, mostly. Occasionally, I would take a stab at my plate only to retrieve pancake that had arrived a second before. My son-in-law found himself staring at my omelet instead of his breakfast more than once. Plead as we might, we could not convince the babies this was not fun. You cannot fool children, y’know.
So, each adult used one hand to grip the table and the other to shovel breakfast into their mouths while the little ones, bless them, strained and shoved on the funhouse table.
Eventually, we got enough food on target to sustain us and we left Angel’s, possibly forever.
Next, we would plunge into the Ozark Mountains. I will share that episode as soon as my strength returns. Right now, I think a little lie-down is in order.
...
Friday, July 23, 2010
Grandmas
...
My friend Ray in Hoboken sent this. Given the recent episodes of grandparent v. grandchildren, I think this little story is a good fit. Maybe even a laughing fit.
...
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my Grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh....I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".
"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.
...
My friend Ray in Hoboken sent this. Given the recent episodes of grandparent v. grandchildren, I think this little story is a good fit. Maybe even a laughing fit.
...
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my Grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh....I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".
"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.
...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Summer Fun
…
Life has been peaceful in recent weeks. Most of this tranquility is weather induced. With daytime highs in the upper 90s and overnight lows around 80, moving about for any reason is undesirable. Nevertheless, I have some adventures to report.
First, if I do not act up on a regular basis, I get cranky. So, I decided to grow some facial hair. I consider this sort of activity mildly rebellious. It also requires a level of physical activity suitable for the season. My son-in-law detected my new look several weeks ago.
“Ah, yes. You are going for that J.B. Books look.” He offered.
“Uh, yes, I suppose I am.” I instantly recalled John Wayne’s character in his last film, The Shootist. J.B. was an aging gunfighter dying of cancer in a small town. Naturally, there were baddies in town who wanted to make their reputation by picking-off old J.B. It was a good western.
I was flattered that my son-in-law thought I might achieve the classic western gravitas of “The Duke.” Each morning, I carefully groomed and trimmed the Bonsai on my lip. After a couple weeks, I peered into the mirror. I even squinted a little bit and drawled “Pilgrim” in my best John Wayne voice. I began to resemble a famous person all right.
After an objective look, I think I am a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders. Darn.
Until next time, stay cool!
…
Life has been peaceful in recent weeks. Most of this tranquility is weather induced. With daytime highs in the upper 90s and overnight lows around 80, moving about for any reason is undesirable. Nevertheless, I have some adventures to report.
First, if I do not act up on a regular basis, I get cranky. So, I decided to grow some facial hair. I consider this sort of activity mildly rebellious. It also requires a level of physical activity suitable for the season. My son-in-law detected my new look several weeks ago.
“Ah, yes. You are going for that J.B. Books look.” He offered.
“Uh, yes, I suppose I am.” I instantly recalled John Wayne’s character in his last film, The Shootist. J.B. was an aging gunfighter dying of cancer in a small town. Naturally, there were baddies in town who wanted to make their reputation by picking-off old J.B. It was a good western.
I was flattered that my son-in-law thought I might achieve the classic western gravitas of “The Duke.” Each morning, I carefully groomed and trimmed the Bonsai on my lip. After a couple weeks, I peered into the mirror. I even squinted a little bit and drawled “Pilgrim” in my best John Wayne voice. I began to resemble a famous person all right.
After an objective look, I think I am a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders. Darn.
Well, I did my best. In truth, I am fonder of the Colonel’s chicken than gun fighting. I guess either one could end a life prematurely, eh? I suppose I would rather go out with a “burp” than a “bang.”
Here are some announcements:
I visited “the ranch” with my son and grandson, Augie last week. It was hot and the grass was deep. While there, I caught this charming scene of a dad teaching his son the finer points of peeing on a bush without ruining his socks and shoes or finding a snake. My son is a great Dad.
I will be on vacation next week. I am going on a road trip hosted by my daughter, son-in-law and two charming grandchildren. I am almost certain to find a cornucopia of new stories during this adventure. I shall let you know when I return.
Finally, I will show some of my photographs at the Bosque County Fine Arts Center in Clifton, Texas. The show runs from October 2 through November 13. You might want to make travel plans early to avoid disappointment!
Until next time, stay cool!
…
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Nun Grading Papers
This came from Zita, a classmate of mine at St. Cecilia's Catholic School. This would be a lot funnier if I didn't recognize many of these answers from my own catechism tests.
Enjoy!
...
IMAGINE A NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY, THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
...
Enjoy!
...
IMAGINE A NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY, THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
...
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